Is there an Alcoholic in your Life? ... AA's message of Hope

If someone you love has a drinking problem, this booklet will provide you with facts about a simple program of recovery. Through its help, over a million people who once drank too much are now living comfortable and productive lives without alcohol.

For six decades, Alcoholics Anonymous has been working successfully for men and women from every kind of background. Before these people came to A.A., most of them had tried to control their drinking on their own and, only after repeated unsuccessful efforts at such control, finally admitted that they were powerless over alcohol. At first, they could not imagine life without it; they certainly did not want to admit that they were alcoholics. But, with the help of other A.A. members, they learned that they did not have to drink. They discovered that life without alcohol not only was possible, but could be happy and deeply rewarding.

Often those closest to an alcoholic find it hardest to see and admit that someone they care about can be an alcoholic. Such a thing just can't be true, it seems. In their eagerness to deny the depth of the problem, they may for a time believe the alcoholic's promises. But the repeated breaking of these promises and the increasing difficulties finally force those living with the alcoholic to acknowledge the truth.

Then a desperate search for a solution begins. Feeling that all their love and well-intended attempts to help have been wasted, they become deeply discouraged. If you have felt like this, take hope from the experience of A.A. members' spouses, relatives, lovers, and friends who once felt the same way, but have seen the problem drinkers they care about freed from the compulsion to drink.

In this booklet, you will find answers to many questions that people asked both before and after the alcoholic in their lives joined A.A. If the problem drinkers laugh at the idea that they are in trouble with alcohol, or if they resent any such suggestions, the following pages may help explain what you can and cannot do. If the alcoholic has already joined A.A., the information that follows will help you o understand the A.A. way of life.

Perhaps the best brief description of what A.A. is and what it does is this short "Preamble," usually read at the beginning of every A.A. meeting:



Understanding your problem

Today, over two million men and women have stopped drinking in A.A. This figure includes many different sorts of people, from teenagers to octogenarians. It is clear from a review of its membership that A.A. has been able to help women, men, aged persons, young people, the rich, the poor, the highly educated, the uneducated.

This, like all A.A. books and pamphlets, is based not on theory but on experience many experiences — of those close to alcoholics, those who know what it is like to live with them. If these people could sit down with you, they might say: "We know what you are up against. We know how baffling it is to live with a problem drinker, to see close and loving relationships torn by irrational anger and conflict, to see family life upset, to see much-needed money spent on liquor or on alcoholrelated hospitalization, instead of on necessities, to see children growing up in an abnormal unpredictable atmosphere. But we all know that if the person you love recognizes the problem and really wants to stop drinking, there is a solution that has worked for those we love — and can work for the one you care about, too."

In spite of all the trouble that drinking may have caused, you may not wish to admit to yourself that a loved one is an alcoholic A problem drinker, yes, but not an alcoholic. The word may have too many disturbing associations for you. Even if the alcoholic admits to being one, you may find yourself trying to deny it. Many people have felt the same way about someone they love until they understood that alcoholism is a disease, a fact that modem medicine now confirms. Previously, an alcoholic's loved ones may have believed that they ad somehow been responsible. How and why alcoholism begins, we do not know; but later adult relationships apparently have little effect on its severity or progression. Alcoholism, like most noncontagious diseases, is the sole property of the individual unfortunate enough to have it. Nobody — whether layman or scientist — is certain of its cause.



The Alcoholic Can Recover

The alcoholic is a sick person suffering from a disease for which there is no known cure that is, no cure in the sense that he or she will ever be able to drink moderately, like a nonalcoholic, for any sustained period. Because it is an illness — a physical compulsion combined with a mental obsession to drink — the alcoholic must learn to stay away from alcohol completely in order to lead a normal life.

Fundamentally, alcoholism is a health problem — a physical and emotional disease — rather than a question of too little willpower or of moral weakness. Just as there is no point blaming the victim of diabetes for a lack of willpower in becoming ill, it is useless to charge the problem drinker with responsibility for the illness or to regard such drinking as a vice.

Alcoholism takes many routes. Some A.A. members drank in an out-of-control way from their first drink. Others slowly progressed over decades to uncontrolled drinking. Some alcoholics are daily drinkers. Others may be able to abstain for long periods. Then they cut loose on a binge of uncontrolled drinking. The latter are called "periodics."

One thing all alcoholics seem to have in common is that, as time passes, the drinking gets worse. No reliable evidence exists that anyone who ever drank alcoholically has been able to return, for long, to normal social drinking. There is no such thing as being "a little bit alcoholic." Because the illness progresses in stages, some alcoholics show more extreme symptoms than others. Once problem drinkers cross over the line into alcoholism, however, they cannot turn back.



What can you do?

Knowing that more than one and a half million problem drinkers have attained sobriety in A.A., you may be impatient to "do something" for the alcoholic in your life. You may want to explain that alcoholism is an illness and urge the alcoholic to read A.A. literature and head straight for the nearest A.A. meeting.

Sometimes, this kind of approach works. After reading A.A. pamphlets or books, many problem drinkers call their local A.A. office, begin attending A.A. meetings, and put their drinking days squarely behind them. But, in fact, most active alcoholics are not eager and ready to turn to A.A. simply because a loved one suggests it. Drinking habits are firmly rooted in one's personality, and the alcoholic's compulsion to drink often creates stubborn resistance against help. To admit to being an alcoholic, simple and evident as it may seem, implies committing oneself to doing something about one's drinking. And the alcoholic may not be ready for this. A frequent component of the disease is the alcoholic's belief that drinking is necessary to cope with life. In an alcoholic's confused mind, the need to drink may literally seem like a matter of life or death.



When is the right time? It is not easy to know when an alcoholic is "ready" for A.A. Not all drinkers descend to the same physical or mental states before they decide to seek help. An alcoholic may fall, roughly, into any of the following four groups.

1. These people may seem to be only heavy drinkers. Drinking may be daily or less frequent and may be heavy only on occasion. They spend too much money on liquor and may begin slowing up mentally and physically, although they will not concede this. Their behavior is sometimes embarrassing; yet they may continue to assert that they can handle alcohol and that drinking is essential to their work. Probably, they would be insulted if someone called them alcoholic. At this stage, they may be approaching the borderline that separates social from compulsive drinking. Some may be able to moderate or stop their drinking altogether. Other may cross that border, increasingly lose the ability to control their drinking, and become alcoholics.

2. In this stage, drinkers lack control over their drinking and begin to worry about it. Unable to stay on the wagon even when they want to, people in this group often get completely out of hand when drinking and may even admit it the next day. But they are certain that "next time it will be different." Drinkers may now employ a number of "control" devices: drinking only wine or beer, drinking only on weekends or during certain hours of the day or evening, or working out a formula for spacing drinks. They may take a "medicinal" drink in the morning to quiet the nerves. After serious drinking bouts, they are remorseful and want to stop. However, as soon as health returns, they begin to think that they can really drink moderately next time. Perhaps they can still meet responsibilities fairly well on the job or at home. The idea that drinking will probably become progressively worse and may cause the loss of family, job, or the affection of others seems fantastic. In the meantime, they say they would like to stop drinking. Those who have been around A.A. for a while would say: "They want to want to stop. "

3. These drinkers have moved beyond the second stage; they have lost friends, cannot hold jobs, and find various intimate relationships in ruins. Perhaps doctors have been consulted, and the weary round of "drying out" places and hospitals has begun. They realize full well that they cannot drink normally, but are unable to understand why. They honestly want to stop, but cannot. No one seems able to help them stay sober. In searching for a path to sobriety, they become increasingly desperate. Usually, they have tried some form of counseling and perhaps some special diet or vitamin therapy, and for a little while the situation may have improved, but then the progression downward continues. They lose all interest in constructive social relationships, in the world around them, and perhaps even in life itself. The only emotion they show with any consistency is self-pity.

4. In this last stage, drinkers may seem beyond help. By now, they have been in one institution after another. Often violent, they appear insane or oblivious to reality when drunk. Sometimes, they may even manage to sneak a drink on the way home from the hospital. They may have alcoholic hallucinations — delirium tremens (D.T.s). At this point, doctors may advise you to have the drinker committed to an institution. Perhaps you have already had to do so. In many ways, these drinkers seem to be "hopeless." But A.A. experience has shown that, however far down the ladder of alcoholism drinkers have gone, very few have passed beyond the hope of recovery in A.A. — that is, if they want to recover.

It may take the alcoholics themselves some time to admit their own illness. They may protest that their problems are "different" and that A.A. is not necessary or desirable for them. Such drinkers often point out that they are a long way from the bottom of the ladder, and what they consider "the bottom" keeps getting lower and lower. Or they may simply continue to insist that they can stay sober on their own. Unfortunately, they cannot and do not.

Anyone who loves an alcoholic finds these reactions and evasions bitter pills to swallow. The simple truth is that no one can forcethe A.A. program on anyone else. However, if the drinker you care about hesitates to go for needed help, you can take some action to assist in recovery.

You can develop a good and, if possible, firsthand understanding of the A.A. program, so that when the alcoholic is ready, you will be in the best position to help. You can also inform yourself by writing or phoning A.A. or Al-Anon Family Groups. (Turn to page 21 of this booklet for addresses.) In many communities, loved ones of A.A. members (and of those who need A.A.) meet regularly to exchange experiences and viewpoints on the problems of alcoholism. They are part of what is known as Al-Anon Family Groups. Among these are Alateen groups, for teenagers who have alcoholic parents. Al-Anon is not affiliated with A.A., but its contribution to increased understanding of the A.A. recovery program has been substantial. They believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.*

A.A.'s long experience has taught us the need for confidence and patience in encouraging the alcoholic to begin the process of recovery. If you find that the alcoholic meets your enthusiastic recommendation of A.A. with refusal even to discuss the matter, you may feel discouraged and resentful. Sometimes, because of the disruption the alcoholic causes, or because children are being adversely affected, you may decide to walk away, leaving him or her to face the problem alone. Having no place left to go but A.A. may actually lead the alcoholic to seek help earlier than he or she would have if you had remained available. Sometimes, it is necessary to be cruel for the moment in order to be kind in the long run.

The alcoholic may be rebelling outwardly against the idea of A.A., but may actually be close to accepting your encouragement and support and making a decision to join A.A. or at least listen to what various recovered alcoholics have to say about the program. At this stage, the alcoholic is usually confused knows that the illness has to be dealt with somehow, but is unable to evaluate the situation clearly. Alcoholics often have many false ideas about A.A. and its members. That is why your understanding of Alcoholics Anonymous may be extremely helpful during this critical period. You will be able to answer questions, make suggestions, and correct erroneous assumptions about A.A.